What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
