I'm jealous of your bromance
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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