fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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