He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
