There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize