i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
