If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
