Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
