Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
