FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
