I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You are the jesus of drinking
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
