i already hear my dad disowning me
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
