we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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