Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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