shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
