You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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