somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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