Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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