I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
