Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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