She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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