on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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