y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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