Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
