True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
