Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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