i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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