Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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