My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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