my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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