Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
