So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
