I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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