and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
