I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
