The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
