my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
