true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize