i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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