3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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