Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Randomize
