if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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