Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
