My room smells like vodka and shame
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
