Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
