you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
