i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
