Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
