i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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