I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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