I'm really into asian looking animals
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That accounts for only three of the penises
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have fence marks all over my body
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
