that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
