Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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