the condom got lost in my hair
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
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